I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
