I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
