I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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