so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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