my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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