dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
