she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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