This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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