My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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