While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
