i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
