I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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