Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
