I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
