phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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