About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
