he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
