My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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