You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
