Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
