i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
