U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
