So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
