2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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