Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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