Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
