Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
