Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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