Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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