I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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