Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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