Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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