Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
