I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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