billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
