my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
