I accidentally burped into my bong.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
