i don't like sucking hair
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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