We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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