Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
