I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
