Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
