sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
