I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
