so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
