I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
