I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
