So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
