It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
