you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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