I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
